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SINGAPORE: How’s it going? Doing anything fun this weekend? Got any hobbies? 

For some, these questions may inspire fear, and even irritation. They seem to serve no purpose other than to buffer the discomfort of silence in the breakroom.

Critics of small talk (in my experience, often men who fancy themselves “intellectuals”) loudly decry it as an unpleasant obstacle on the journey to human connection or, at best, a waste of time – but in my opinion, this could not be further from the truth.

THE FOUNDATION OF RELATIONSHIP-BUILDING

Small talk is the prelude to all social interactions. 

Those who imagine themselves above it too often fail at the task of deep, thoughtful discourse by rushing headlong into a dissertation with no warm-up. 

After all, a special dinner can quickly be made pedestrian by a rushed and perfunctory appetiser. It doesn’t matter how perfect the steak is.

The modern world has expanded our professional and social spheres to the point where many of us regularly interact with new people from different walks of life. As such, small talk is a practical, low-stakes means by which two unfamiliar individuals might assess cultural overlaps, danger, openness, and so on, via both verbal and non-verbal cues. 

One can also glean information to develop a rough psychological profile of a new acquaintance that informs possible topics of interest, wants, and needs.

What relevance might I have to them? Do they mean to use me or do me harm? 

Do they have children? What do they do in their spare time? 

Where have they travelled, and what do they think of the places they’ve travelled to? Are they generally conservative in their outlook, or do they lean progressive?

And if you’re a woman on a date with a man – you might be looking for clues to help you guess the answer to the vital question “Is he going to hurt me?”

How deep of a conversation, connection, or relationship could you possibly hope to build without any of that knowledge first paving the way?

THE HIDDEN SECONDARY FUNCTIONALITY OF SMALL TALK

The discrete aspects of small talk may not appear to be functional in a strict sense. After all, why should you need to know anything about a sales prospect or professional connection other than what you share business-wise?

The answer, of course, is trust.

Trust is a fragile resource that is painstakingly built and easily destroyed – an intangible currency that we cannot do anything without. 

No one will recommend you for a job, promote you, buy from you, or speak up on your behalf and in your interest if they do not trust you.

Small talk, and by extension, conversation, is by no means the only way to build trust, but your ability to consistently demonstrate genuine interest in others and remember what they’ve told you goes a long way in establishing familiarity and a solid track record of trustworthiness.

The foundation is laid brick by brick. The more people trust you, the more they are willing to divulge their sensitive points of view or stories about their lives. More information makes you a better mediator, negotiator and leader.

Mediating a conflict without at least knowing the most significant triggers for either party would be a futile exercise. 

Negotiating without understanding what people want and what they are willing to give up is self-defeating. 

Attempting to motivate someone who works for you without knowing what is important to them might result in you throwing lots of money in the wrong direction.

SOFT POWER

This is why people of seemingly average intelligence and ability can often find themselves inexplicably elevated into positions of importance – they are nice, and people trust and like them. 

This informal influence helps to get things done.

It took me many years to learn just how insidiously powerful it can be to be a nice and unassuming master of small talk – and how self-destructive it can be to be a person, no matter how talented or capable, who only ever gets down to brass tacks.

In the end, this is the crux of it: We are human beings. We prefer to spend time with and do business with those that we like and trust. 

And trust is one of a number of crucial community-building threads that holds the fabric of civilised society together.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

Small talk is the sort of traditionally feminine kin-keeping which, like gossip, has long been vilified by men. 

But small talk, like gossip, has no gender. It is simply a part of functioning naturally as a human being who lives and cooperates collectively with other human beings. It serves a very practical purpose, and developing the skill to do it well can add richness and value to your human experiences.

Anyone who picks up a trumpet for the first time is going to sound terrible until they’ve practised for a while. But while no one disputes the need for practice as a musician, many seem to think that excellent conversation either comes naturally or not. 

A skill is a skill, and learning to engage with others on a variety of levels is the same.

For your own sake, and for the sake of those in your orbit, you must learn how to make small talk. 

Unless, of course, you don’t really care about others or building relationships and you want to live in the woods alone. I wouldn’t blame you – honestly, it sounds pretty good. 

In that case, just ignore everything I said.

Li Xiao’an is a composer who has worked internationally across the gaming, advertising and popular music industries. He is also co-founder of the audio production team Li & Ortega.